02 May 2011
I've got a sore back from working in the garden. I don't mind, really, as long as I can still sleep, but the quack grass out there is really awful.
There's this twisted side of me that actually enjoys turning over yet another mound of five square inches of dirt and sifting through it, grabbing out long threads of white, evil root.
But overall, it's a nightmare. I can't believe how much it's taken over and entangled itself in large sections of the garden. It's discouraging, too, knowing that as hard as I work, it's impossible to get every little strand, and every little strand has life in it just waiting to grow into more, more, more.
I keep telling myself not to take it personally. Quack grass doesn't define my worth. I know it's ridiculous, but it's so easy to internalize everything. Even the garden.
So I ask my husband to speak Truth to me at night. I ask my farmer Dad for advice. He recommends amending the soil. It's off kilter and thus a receptive place for quack grass to grow.
Even amending, though, will not completely fix the problem. There's always something, always needs, changes, effort, intentionality, follow through required.
Harder, more painful, more terrifying, more threatening, more entangled and enmeshed is the stuff residing in my own heart, soul, somewhere. Every five square inches in need of attention, cleaned out, scrutinized for what they contain.
I know it can't all be done at one time, but some times are more intense than others as long, connecting roots need to be cleaned out of many areas. Right now is one of those times.
I desire to submit to the Good Shepherd's leading, to trust Him to pull the weeds, stubborn and difficult, out for my benefit.
He doesn't want to let me cover them up, knowing that they only grow more and more challenging to eradicate the longer they're allowed to grow. And He'll amend the soil within me, filling it instead with good.
So even in the pain, I say praise, honor, and thanks to Him.
Praising Him especially for:
(from the 600's)
*His rule and absolute authority
*His perfect timing
*His gentle guidance
*His reign over all time, all nations
*His perfect judgement
*His intimate knowledge
*His perfect responses
*His compassions that fail not
*His strength in the sickness here, peace too
*His infinite wisdom
*His willingness to work with what love we have for Him
*His desire to meet us in weakness, to use it for His glory
*He gives beauty for ashes
*His grace, lavish, and patient love