"I Don't Have the Patience For That"

This title is a common response to the answer to what I do with the majority of my days: homeschool.

I've been trying to think about what it really means to not have patience for something.  Because my immediate thought is often "neither do I."  Unless it's been a particularly good day.  Then maybe I am pridefully smug.  That's very rare. (The part about a great day, I'm sure I have pride issues way too often.)

I can tell you that I keep at it, even though I don't feel I have the patience or organizational, disciplined character to educate my five offspring marvelously.  I also sometimes go to Walmart on a Saturday afternoon even though I don't have the patience for it.  Sometimes I drive in rush hour traffic (though that's not much of an issue here in Williston), or call my health care provider even though I really don't have the patience to wait to talk to someone who won't know how to answer my question.

And so I think in two directions:

1.  Have you thought through your child's education and are you doing what you are convinced is best for you, your child, and your whole family?  If so, great.  Then just say, "I've thought about homeschooling but don't think it's the right fit for our family."  I get it.  I've been there and will be there again.

2.  Do you make decisions on what you have patience for?  I'm not sure that's the best test for how to make commitments.  I don't think I would have had children in the first place if that was my criteria.  I probably wouldn't have gotten married, though I do have an amazing man who doesn't test my patience much, only supports me.  I wouldn't do many of the things I've chosen to do.

Patience is a fruit of the spirit.  It requires growth and time.  More growth and time for some than others, and I lean in the some category.

And so, this is not at all a post on whether you should homeschool or not, but only a challenge to our cultural thinking.

As Christians, we believe Christ's "divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."  (2 Peter 1:3)

Let us make our decisions not on what we think we can handle, but on what Christ calls us to do.  For if He calls us, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. (Philippians 4:13)

Some decisions we get to make by faith--and then we can see God come through for us.  Some situations He allows into our lives without our input.  Either way, he is faithful to strengthen those who hope in Him.

A Letter To "Tween" Boys

I'm riding my bike around the track with my daughter in the evening light when I see you come.  The way you've always come, but this time, my heart bleeds.

Because though you come outside, you come different.  Harder.  Blacker.  With shaggy hair hiding your ears and a cap over your eyes and a skateboard attached to your feet.  You hide your humanity and I believe, for a moment, you aren't human anymore.

You're not as interested in my yard...it's got no draw.  You find others of your kind and I close my heart.  I try to place judgement on you and determine I will not allow you to hurt me for your rejection of innocence.  For I've seen you innocent.  Stooping over beetles, swinging in the hammock, singing songs about  Jesus in the backyard.

You've disappeared and I don't know what to do but close you out.  I try to blame you so I won't feel guilty.  For really, I'm afraid I didn't do enough.  Show enough interest in you.  Love you.  Share the word Jesus with you.  Laugh with you.  When I could.

And now what will become of you, you child of this sinful world, just like me?

Though my heart wants to give up on you, the Spirit in me just won't.  As I ride my bike I pray.  Pray that somehow our home, our yard will be a safe light you'll always look to.  Even while you test out the darkness.  That my love will continue for you and you'll know that.

As I ride toward the house in the fading light you come asking for a cup of water.  You sit on my steps and drink and I hit your hat down further over your eyes.  I smile and remember who you were, and who you are still inside.

My heart bleeds, and I know it is a sign.  I'm loving you, not as good as Jesus does, but for Jesus.  I won't, I can't, give up on you.


Photos taken of cousins at the farm.
Letter written to all the little boys I've watched growing up, some in very difficult circumstances, embarking on the changes of adolescence very soon.  It is a challenging time for many. 

Setting up the Pins...And Knocking Them Down

I've been longing quietly, deeply, steadily, for a passion.
A niche.  A specialty.

You probably have one or two or more, so don't know what I'm meaning.  But maybe there's someone out there like me, who, when all is stripped away, is mediocre at lots and good at nothing.  Okay, and bad at tons of things.

I pray.  I've sought out possibilities.  I have dreams, goals, hopes to delve into a specific something.
The new year always brings it out in me.  Is it time now?  Can I move forward?

While jogging the other morning to Sara Groves, my mind and heart were spinning with thoughts.  Could it be that it is time to pursue?  Where would I fit it in?

And the song in my ears...Everyone, everywhere, some way, some how, setting up the pins, for knocking em down.

Yes, my life is full, I pray.  There are many different headings in the newspaper of my life.  Can I add just one more?  The one that will fulfill, give me a sense of purpose, importance, status?  To be sought after for a skill?

It might sound simple but it's really profound...setting up the pins for knocking em down.

My searching heart calms as the dust of desire settles a little...through the dreams and hopes I can see my course again.  It's not time.  It may never be.  And then again, there may be a "yes" someday.

For now, though, I think through the titles in my life.  The ones the Lord has placed there, whether or not they were of my first choosing.

In each one, there are many ways to improve.  Like I said, I'm mediocre at everything.

Can I be a better child of God?  You bet.

Can I improve in loving and serving my husband?  No doubt.

How about building a relationship with my children, training them, helping them, loving them, teaching them?  Of course.

What about the position at my church?  Yes, much more skill needed here.

How about as a friend, a writer, a daughter, a sister, a homemaker, a pray-er?  Okay, now I'm already overwhelmed and I haven't even added anything new.

So I let go...maybe my desire for something else is a cover for the lack of skill I have in all the areas I'm already working at.  

Setting up the pins and knocking them down can be quite the challenge indeed.

My grandmother had a working song
Hummed it low all day long
Sing for the joy to be found
Setting up the pins for knocking em down.

This is my life right now.  I'm to be faithful at this job before me.  To expect things to continually be knocked down...and to work, with the strength of the Holy Spirit, at setting em back up!

photos:  holiday photos from 2011